A Little Story About Intention

The day has started off with all good intentions for Gilbert. Cup of coffee, morning paper, smile on the face, and a quick review of his meetings for the day before things get going. Everything is good. Gilbert, with all his good intention, starts down the hall toward his first meeting. He is scheduled to provide an update on a report he's been working on. He has been the team lead on this project. To get to the conference room he has to pass by the Tone Department.

The folks in the Department of Tone don't appear to be having as good of a day. Gilbert can hear the frustration from around the corner. Frank is explaining why he's so frustrated to the soft-spoken Sally. She does not seem to not fully comprehend the level of Frank's frustration which just makes him more frustrated. Frank stops Gilbert as he is walking past.

Frank says, "Gilbert, where is that report you've been working on? I cannot finish my report without yours! If I don't have it today my project is going to run behind." Frustration is still feeding Frank's conversation. Gilbert explains, " I am on my way right now to a meeting where I'll receive more of the details I need to finish my report, but I am not certain I'll be able to get it completed today."

This doesn't seem to ease Frank's frustration. Rather, Frank insists that Gilbert share his thoughts at the meeting. Gilbert, rather hesitantly, agrees takes on the frustration Frank has been carrying around as he continues down the hall.

Something has obviously gotten Annie to be pretty angry. She is three offices down with the door closed and you would have thought she was standing on top of you she is so loud. As Gilbert passes the door, carrying a little bit of frustration, but with all good intention focused on the meeting, Angry Annie bellows, "Gilbert, in my office. Now!"

This made Gilbert jump a little. Gilbert about-faced and acknowledged Annie's command. Once inside, Annie slammed the door and began sharing with Gilbert how angry she was with their new key vendor. A vendor Gilbert had helped identify and made the recommendation to hire. Annie wants Gilbert to rectify the issue immediately.

Gilbert takes his marching orders and leaves Annie's office. Now Gilbert is angry too. He's angry that Annie is taking her anger out on him. He's also angry that he's now going to be late for his meeting. A personal pet peeve, not to mention how it will throw off the rest of his day. Gilbert's also thinking about all of the other urgent matters, like the frustration Frank shared with him regarding the report. It is just as urgent as this issue Annie has just threw at him.

Just as Gilbert is hoping he won't run into anyone else on his way to the meeting the Director of the Non-verbal Group, Ryan, who's always rolling his eyes about something, turns the corner and is heading his way. Gilbert picks up his pace a little, but it is too late.

Ryan says, "Hey Gilbert, just the guy I was looking for! You got a sec?" Gilbert's patience is starting to wear thin. As he's about to tell Ryan he's late to a meeting, Ryan starts explaining that he has some new information that is going to significantly change the report. The same report that is frustrating Frank. The same report a team of people are meeting about in the conference room and waiting for Gilbert.

Gilbert responds with a short snippy tone that does not sound like the usual Gilbert, "I don't know when we're going to have time to get all of these changes made." Ordinarily with Gilbert's good intention this might just sound like a problem he's trying to solve out loud, but today, with Frank's frustration and Annie's anger that have rubbed off on him, it sounds more like a rant and refusal.
Ryan rolls his eyes and huffs back, "What-ever! It has to get done."

Gilbert finally arrives at his first meeting of the day. He's late. Every bit of good intention Gilbert started the day with is being hidden behind the strong messages frustrated Frank and angry Annie from the Tone Department and eye-rolling Ryan from the Non-verbal Group have impressed on him today. He initially thought this would be an upbeat meeting. They've worked hard on this project, and while not complete, it doesn't hurt to show gratitude at how much they've accomplished. Unfortunately, the best Gilbert could do was to make the team feel almost as frustrated and angry as he was. Some of them were even noticeably rolling their eyes as he wrapped up his talk.

Moral of this little story: Even good intentions can get lost in the shadows of strong such emotions as frustration or anger when we allow those emotions to get the best of us. Seeing our good intentions through may mean learning to quiet the emotional storms that rise when external forces confront us with gale-force winds. To do this you will need to flex your emotional intelligence muscle.

Here are two exercises you can do to help you create greater awareness around the shifts in your emotions.

1st - Emotional Reflection
Instructions:

1. Have a blank sheet of paper and pen handy.
2. Recall a recent situation where you regretted acting the way you did. Take up to 5 minutes to write about the incident and what you specifically regret about it.
3. Answer the question, "How were you feeling in the moment?" For instance, did you feel defensive, anxious, frustrated, happy, embarrassed, etc.
4. Think about why you felt the way you did and take a few more minutes to write it down.
5. Now, think about how you responded, in the moment, to those feelings (step 3). For example, did you respond by becoming verbally aggressive, withdrawing completely, insulting the person, going along and pretending everything was okay, or something completely different?
6. Remember how you were positioned during the situation. Were you sitting or standing? How was your body responding to these feelings? Did you fold your arms, begin to sweat, tighten your jaw, furrow your brow, pace, tighten the stomach, tap your foot or your fingers, or something else?
7. Lastly, take another 5 minutes to write down how you will act differently in the future when you receive the cues you've identified in step 5 and step 6. Be specific as possible. Writing down new potential behaviors helps to solidify them in your brain. There is a much higher probably that you will listen to yourself and your newly created behaviors if you've committed them to paper.

2nd - Emotional Responsibility Phrase*
Instructions:
1. Have a blank sheet of paper and pen handy.
2. Finish the following sentence: "If I took responsibility for every feeling I experience and for every word that comes out of me (verbal or written), I would _________." Here are a few examples of endings from when this exercise has been done with corporate clients: "...I'd have to be more accountable. ...I'd have to pay more attention. ...I wouldn't do or say hurtful things."
3. Take a moment to ask yourself and write down what may keep you from following through on the statement as you completed it.
4. Now, write down what you must do to eliminate those barriers.

*This is adapted from an EQ in Action exercise in the book Executive EQ by Robert K. Cooper, Ph.D. and Ayman Sawaf, A Perigee Book, Copyright 1997.

Written by Jennifer Mounce, President, Coach Effect. Coach Effect is a coaching, consulting and development firm focused on engaging employees through leadership and organizational effectiveness. For more information, please contact us.